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curvy & trans

Just a plus size trans girl in a straight size cis world.

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Nov 12th, 2019 Drug Diary

Trintellix is a bust

Hello Tuesday… back to the grind after a long weekend.

I bought some new covergirl foundation this past weekend and I got the color match all wrong because it’s way too orange when I need something that’s more of a pink. To counter that, I baked the shit out of my face this morning, which I’ve not done in close to a year (scroll to the end for a pic), and honestly it looks ok after color correction, but I’d rather have a proper match. Time to see if CVS will do an open return without a receipt.

I was so thrilled with my lip today (new color from Wet & Wild), and then got to work and was STARVING, leading me to promptly destroy it with a burrito.

Drug Diary Update: The Trintellix is a bust.

On Friday my psychiatrist doubled my dosage, since it seemed like it wasn’t doing anything at the lowest dose. My anxiety had returned after coming off the Lexapro and I’d been having some bad dysmorphia days where my body confidence was just shot to hell and I hated how I looked.

Well, the doub…

Nov 10th, 2019 Transgender

You're gonna love the way you look

It’s moments like these when I glance in the mirror during my day to day and just love what I see that make everything so worthwhile.

Nov 6th, 2019 OOTD

Scattered

Happy humpday, y’all. Day 3 curls holding up.

I was so scatterbrained yesterday. I realized on my way to work that I had forgotten to fill my pill planner when I refilled my Vyvanse prescription, so I had gone something like three days without any ADHD meds, and oh god do I ever need that now! I got almost no work done yesterday and could not think straight at all last night. Made sure to fill it up when I got home and today I’m back to mostly functional.

It’s wild how before I got on the drug I didn’t know how badly I needed it because it was just my normal. Now that I know what normal can actually feel like, being off it feels like chaos.

On that note, I definitely need a larger Trintellix dosage. Now that the Lexapro has worked it’s way out of my system, my anxiety and depression have returned in force, and it’s bad enough that I question if it’s working at all. I see my psychiatrist on Friday, so hopefully we can make a bump to it.

Got my dress for Disneyland yesterday. It a wh…

Nov 4th, 2019 Transition Timeline

30 Months

Doing my Transition Tuesday post a day early, because today marks 30 months since I took my first estrogen pill. Two and a half years. Fitting that today would also be a shot day, which replaced my pills four months later.

I’m really proud of the woman I am today. It’s taken a lot of work to get here, a lot of emotional labor on my part and from my amazing wife who I am thankful for every single day.

I can’t say the journey has been fun… oh sure, there’s been a lot of fun moments, but honestly there’s been a lot of really shitty moments too that I happily would have skipped over. Still tho, I’m thrilled to have been able to walk that path.

I’m a girl! The dream I wanted more than anything for my entire life has come to fruition. It makes every day more glorious than the last.

Oct 30th, 2019 OOTD

Halloween Horrors

Hello, my gender goblins, crooked queers and plus size pirates. October is at an end, and I see it off with the boldest of my Witchy Wednesday looks.

On Friday I dismantle my Halloween lights and start working on Christmas decor. Katharine wants to put up her tree this weekend, and I’ve already mounted two strings of Christmas lights on the front of the house which are just waiting to be plugged in. This year I should have enough lights to properly create my rainbow oasis in the front yard, and even have net lights to drape out on the lawn. It’s gonna take some time to put together, and I probably need to get more extension cords.

Kudos to my cat Leonardo for presenting himself as the perfect familiar.

Oct 28th, 2019 OOTD

A long week

Lord has it ever been a long ten days, I am so glad to be back into the swing of things again.

Our house is finally back into order after that long week of plague. Our entire family came down with norovirus, first my wife and son, then me, then my daughter, one day after another. It’s a very nasty strain, and I was completely waylaid for 48 hours. Our housecleaner came over Sunday and bleached every surface. I have washed so many loads of clothes, towels and bedding on Sanitary mode, and used our carpet cleaner in every bedroom… twice.

I think I finally found the right mousse for my hair. Last week while waiting for a prescription to get filled I was browsing CVS’ Salon Haircare aisle and came across a mousse with some pretty bold claims to boost volume, lift, moisture and plumpness, while still being CG friendly. Well so far… the bottle doesn’t lie. Each time I’ve used it I’ve gotten these thick and chunky curls that just look and feel amazing and I’m in love. Marc Anthony True Prof…

Oct 27th, 2019 Mental Health

Memory Exploration

CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal Ideation, childhood trauma.

Last week a tweet crossed my feed from a mom of a trans daughter, commenting on how her 7yo child had contemplated suicide multiple times. The story knocked loose a memory from my own childhood, around the same age (don’t know exactly when, but old enough to see above the kitchen counters). I was standing in the kitchen, facing the stove, with a steak knife in my right hand… wondering how hard it would be to stab myself in the chest with it.

We explored this memory in my session yesterday to see if anything came out of it. This was my first time using EMDR to try to see a buried memory, and it was different from previous trauma treatment. Usually EMDR means reliving an experience, letting the brain flow and wander as it replays, while processing the feelings that come forward. This memory wasn’t moving, it was a still-frame, a moment frozen in time; so it took a new approach.

I entered the memory in third-person, as I am to…

Oct 19th, 2019 ADHD
Distracted ADHD makes hydration hard

You go to get water and fifteen minutes later you close the now full dishwasher and you realize that you have completely failed at hydration.

Then you forget to start the dishwasher.

Oct 16th, 2019 Drug Diary

Bound by Fire

This weeks Witchy Wednesday: Fire Witch / Priestess of the Flame.

Drug Diary:
I’m seeing tiny signs that the Trintellix is starting to do its thing. I’ve had a sudden spike in executive function, busted out a whole ton of house cleaning this morning before I got ready for work, and I wasn’t even procrastinating! Accomplished a lot at the office as well, didn’t even get distracted enough to make this post until I got home.

This is supposed to be a thing the drug helps with, but it’s a wee bit early to be certain. Have yet to experience any side effects yet, either from going on to the Trintellix or from coming off the Lexapro.

In uglier news, I seem to have caught my daughter’s cold. My nose has been running all afternoon.

Oct 15th, 2019 Medical
Oct 14th, 2019 Gender Dysphoria

Dissonant Dysphoria

Found myself in a dancing mood this morning.

My insurance finally came through and approved my Trintellix prescription this past weekend, and I started migrating to it last night. I am so hopeful for this drug, I’m gonna be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.

It’s Santa Ana season in San Diego right now, and my hair is in rebellion. Even after co-washing, overtone and conditioning, it still just did not have the right feel to it this morning, so I didn’t even try to use any product on it. Just gonna let it rest for a bit. Thinking I’ll pick up a hair mask soon to try to rejuvenate it.

I wanted to write this morning about something that’s been hitting me lately, with regards to my transition.

CW: Genital Dysphoria.

Something pretty remarkable has been happening lately. I keep forgetting that I’m AMAB. Little moments here and there, brief windows where my current context allows me to forget my past, forget how I grew up and what my body used to look like. I become just another girl…

Oct 11th, 2019 Coming Out

Out, wide out.

Today is National Coming Out Day, a day to celebrate the diversity of queerness, increase visibility, and let people know they are not alone.

I am many things. You may ask me questions about any of them.

  • Queer, as in I am my own person and I will not be constrained by cisgender heteronormativity.

  • Gynephilic, as in my sexual attraction is primarily to physical characteristics that result from estrogen (as opposed to androphilic, which is attraction to testosterone driven characteristics)

  • a Lesbian, as in Valar Dohaeris.

  • Bisexual, as in gender is a spectrum and my sexuality includes everyone but men.

  • Demiromantic, as in, ok, maybe some men, but only after significant bonding.

  • Monogamous, as in I am singularly devoted to one person by choice, not by nature.

  • Polyamorous, as in my default state does not preclude romantic relationships with multiple people.

  • Transgender, as in chromosomes are really more of a suggestion than a rule.

  • a Woman, as in…

Oct 10th, 2019 Marriage

Ten Years of Love

Ten years ago this wonderful woman and I said I Do. She’s still as gorgeous today as she was then (and I got a whole hell of a lot prettier). I thought then that I knew what love is, but it has grown so much since that day.

It’s been an extraordinary decade full of devotion, laughter, losses, surprises, evolutions, blessings, growth and joy. We’ve both changed so much from who we were back then, but our love remained strong through thick and thin.

Happy Anniversary, Katharine. I love you with all of my heart.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Oct 10th, 2019 OOTD

Witch's Wiles

YOU WOULD DARE TO CROSS A WITCH!? Filthy vermin!! You WILL regret this slight! Oh I am going to enjoy this revenge!

I had people stopping me yesterday to compliment this dress (it’s actually my HolyClothing skirt and a $5 Walmart shirt). The camera couldn’t capture all the undertones on the eye makeup, sadly. I used reds from five different pallets to accomplish the look.

Oct 9th, 2019 Social Media

This morning @simply.sophie.marie made an insightful and impassioned post about the disparity in attention within trans communities on instagram vs Facebook, and how on IG it is such a popularity contest. I suggest everyone hit her timeline and take a read.

She’s completely right, Instagram is a popularity contest, and just like popularity contests in high school, the ones on top are always the prettiest. This is not at all exclusive to the trans community, this is true across the entire platform. If you are thin, young, white or white passing, and conventionally attractive, you have a significantly larger platform than everyone else. Even in plus size spaces, the women who get the most attention are on the lower end of the plus size range and have a more favorable hourglass shape.

But the thing is, this isn’t just a sociological factor. It’s deliberately engineered into the platform user exp…

Oct 9th, 2019 OOTD

Awkward Silence

Quick evening look for a dinner date with my wife. My skin has been in pretty fantastic shape this week and I have no idea why. 😅

My mom was watching the kids for us tonight while we were out to dinner. As we were leaving the house my daughter complimented Kat on her outfit, so I asked what she thought of mine. The silence from my mother was deafening. She was so silent that she consumed the sound around her. It was a black hole of awkward silences.

Well let her be awkward, it’s her fault we can’t enjoy this together.

Oct 8th, 2019 OOTD

Dental Anxiety

Swipe for THE HORROR! I had a dentist appointment this morning, first with a new doctor that I’ve never been to. My old dentist retired this year, after almost twenty years of taking care of me teeth.

New dentist is a woman and was very business like, straightforward and to the point. My hygienist was super nice and very friendly, I like her a lot. Both got a great laugh after she asked me how frequently I changed toothbrushes, and I answered “Monthly because my son keeps dropping them in the toilet.” I appreciated that there was no reaction when I mentioned my wife, and no questions about the birth of my kids, either. It’s surprising how frequently that gets asked.

Best of all, neither woman guilted me about anything with my oral hygiene; my old dentist and his staff constantly made me feel bad about my flossing frequency.

And yes, I am wear leggings as pants. Naysayers can get bent.