As we approach the end of the year, I feel like doing a recap of my favorite photos from 2019. Some of these never made it to social media.
Where 2018 was a year of coming into myself as a woman and learning to love my body, 2019 was a year of personal growth and learning to express myself. With the success of my Instagram account, I felt driven to push myself stylistically and creatively to really make use of my wardrobe in new and creative ways.
At the same time, this year I finally felt comfortable enough in my transition that I was able to ease off of my performativity and start dressing more casually. I no longer felt like I had to wear makeup every time I left the house in order to be gendered correctly. When I did wear makeup, I didn’t need as much of it to be happy with how I looked. After two years of never wearing unisex t-shirts, I discovered that not only did they no longer make me feel dysphoric, t…
Felt a wee bit sassy this morning. Hopefully it’s a sign that I’m out of my funk from the last few days.
My snagtights finally arrived, and I cannot wait to work them into an outfit. Need to wash them first tho. I have several ideas for how I’m gonna fit them into my wardrobe. I got two pairs (queen vic and burgundy), as well as a pair of chub run shorts. I can already tell these won’t be my last pairs. Shame it takes so long to ship them overseas.
Playful Promises has a ton of bras up in their outlet section right now for around $15 each, so I decided to take a few chances and ordered three new bras. They should be here next week.
My roots are so bad. My wife was looking at the photos from our zoo trip yesterday and looked up at me and said “We need to do your hair tonight.”
I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for how amazing this cat-eye came out today, I’m not sure I would have posted this set. It’s been kind of a meh day, and my outfit reflected that. I’ve started experimenting with a liquid white eyeliner and omg is it tricky to work with. It’s like putting whiteout on your face.
One little star was this nice set of wedge pumps that I found at Nordstrom Rack this morning. I’ve been in pretty sad need of a pump shoe for a long time, but most of the ones I’ve encountered were much too tall of a heel for my weak ankles to handle. This pair is just an inch and a half, so they should be a great addition to my closet.
Still need to find a good wide-calf knee high boot.
It was raining all through my therapy session this morning, and when I stepped outside afterwards I saw the drops clinging to the plants around the pond and felt compelled to do some macro photography to calm my mind.
We started a memory from my childhood that immediately jumped to the fight I had with my boss earlier this year. The two events are very closely connected in my memory, even tho there is 25 years between them, and this session explained why that fight hit me so hard. His anger triggered old trauma.
Trauma which may itself go back even further to my dad. It’s hard to say because most of those memories of my father are still locked up tight, but there were definitely echoes of him in the memory.
EMDR can be such a trip.
And if by some magic I manage to get myself productive during this dead time, I will then hyper-fixate and forget about the appointment.
It also hits me if I’m just responsible for watching my kids that day. The simple fact that I am the one to pay attention to them will keep me from even being able to think about work. Even if they’re off watching TV and completely disengaged from me.
I take my Christmas lights very seriously. You could say I have a lot of pride in them.
Left was one month into HRT. Right is 31 months.
I feel like these photos don’t do justice to just how much my hands have shrank. I used to be able to hold my wife’s fist inside mine, my fingers were easily 2cm longer than hers, and now they’re equal length. I used to wear 13 ring size, and now I wear a 9.5.
My fingernails lost half a millimeter in thickness, and my skin is significantly less chapped and broken.
I never anticipated just how much of a difference HRT would have on my hands.
The message in these tweets is awesome, but I want to unpack the “trans girl” sentiment.
Those immersed in feminism are well aware of the “girl” vs “woman” concern, but here’s a quick distillation: Where “woman” describes an adult, “girl” describes a child. The use of “girl” in reference to an adult woman or a group of women is inherently patronizing, meant to strip women of their maturity and respect, especially when used by men.
This is, of course, contextual; used in the right tone “girl” can also a statement of camaraderie, an acknowledgment of sisterhood between women, or an address of mutual respect. There’s also been an effort to reclaim “girl” as a term of power and intelligence.
These are the ideas that Laura is referring to in her first tweet. Trans women are well aware of these dynamics. Even upon accepting ourselves as transgender, it can be hard to claim the word “woman” because it bears a level of maturity that they don’t feel they have earned. We use the inher…
Ok, so let’s talk about this meme, cuz it’s gone around my feed several times and I need to get something off my chest. This isn’t the queer representation you’re looking for. If you aren’t aware, the three characters depicted are Entrapta from She-Ra, Evelyn Deavor from Incredibles 2, and Olivia Octavius (Doc Ock) from Inter the Spider-verse.
First of all, Entrapta isn’t a lesbian, she’s clearly meant to be asexual. I mean, it’s right there in her outfit, she’s the embodiment of the asexual pride flag colors. The other two, however, are definitely meant to be read as gay. Evelyn spends a good portion of The Incredible 2 hitting on Helen pretty aggressively (and in typical gay fashion, Helen is oblivious).
Olivia’s lesbian headcanon also comes from the way she says only her friends call her Liv, and then Aunt May later calls her Liv, establishing that the two of them previous had a relationship that clearly had animosity, and a…
When I came out to my wife she was angry that I had hid from her that I was trans, she felt like I had deceived her through our relationship and marriage. I struggled to explain how this wasn’t a secret I could ever tell, it was too deep for that.
We have a tradition of me reading a chapter from a book every night before bed. Currently we are reading The Wise Man’s Fear, by Patrick Rothfuss, and when I read this part of the book I just paused and we both looked at each other meaningfully.
Teccam explains there are two types of secrets. There are secrets of the mouth and secrets of the heart.
Most secrets are secrets of the mouth. Gossip shared and small scandals whispered. There secrets long to be let loose upon the world. A secret of the mouth is like a stone in your boot. At first you’re barely aware of it. Then it grows irritating, then intolerable. Secrets of the mouth grow larger the longer you keep them, swelling until they press against >your lips. They fight to be let …
What’s a girl gotta do to find doctors who know more about trans care than I do?
Today I had an appointment with a new endocrinologist that was recommended by my wife’s endocrinologist. I was hopeful, because the doc that recommended her is exceptionally talented but just isn’t qualified to do trans medicine. Sadly, in the first five minutes of the visit I could tell that this doctor’s protocols are over a decade out of date. She demonstrated multiple attitudes that revealed her to be of the old-school pre-WPATH mindset.
I don’t feel like I speak girl with an accent… My mannerisms, my speech patterns, the way I walk, everything just came back. I did have to learn some things that I didn’t get to learn young, but that was easy enough.
However, sometimes I feel like I have a girl-speech impediment due to what male puberty did to my body, and really that can be just as bad as an accent. This isn’t even a metaphor, there are days where my literal voice reveals my history.
The rest of this, however, rings very true. I learned to hide, so that I could live today.
Yesterday I made a quick trip to Walmart to grab some necessities and swung by the men’s department looking to get some big t-shirts I could alter. They used to carry this great Fruit of the Loom shirts that made great sleeping shirts, and once I’d cut the necks off them they were super comfortable.
Sadly, they don’t have them any more, but instead I found a rack of Wide Necked No Boundries t-shirts. At first I thought “well thats a weird neckline for a men’s shirt”, and I grabbed one to try when I got home.
This ain’t no men’s shirt… this is totally a women’s tunic, and it comes as high as a 4X. The material is a little thin, but not transparent, and at $8 a shirt I’m not complaining. I went back again later on and bought several more for me. When my wife saw how it wears she demanded I buy one for her in every color as well. They’re perfect utilitarian basic t-shirts for women.
I definitely recommend them, they’re super comfy. I have no idea why they’re selling what is clearly a…
Wednesday we packed the kids and drove up to Anaheim for a day at Disneyland. If you saw my IG stories then most of these photos are probably repeats.
I found these two simply gorgeous dresses in New Orleans Square that they actually had all the way up to 4X, and had they been around $70 I would have bought one, but $130 was too much, even when we weren’t paying for the trip. The first was Hocus Pocus themed, with the Sanderson Sisters prominently featured on the skirt. The second was Pixar themed, with elements from early Pixar shorts.
This was our first visit to the new Star Wars park, and it was truly an amazing experience. From the moment you cross under the disney railroad bridge you enter into an alien world, but switch is so subtle that you don’t even notice it until you’re 20 feet in. The sounds, the smells, the shape of the terrain and vegetation, even the light posts gradually change into something not of this world. It’s astonishingly atmospheric. Then you enter the bazaar…
Any time you see someone say that crossdressers are not trans, remind yourself that there are also members of the trans community who claim that people who aren’t medically transitioning aren’t transgender. There are people who claim that if you don’t pass as cis and don’t want to pass as cis, then you aren’t transgender. Gatekeeping is everywhere, and it’s all bullshit.
For so many of us, crossdressing was our gender gateway, it was our first exploration into subverting our birth assignment, and often our first taste of gender dysphoria. The cisgender patriarchy is a strong force, however, and it indoctrinates denial. We are trained to be afraid of transness, brainwashed to doubt our own validity and to hide our diversion from cisnormativity.
So we stop at crossdressing, we stall out at that place, flirting with the idea of something more but too scared to take it for ourselves. Some girls go through cycles of expression and purging, dumping everything because they’re just too full …
Hello Tuesday… back to the grind after a long weekend.
I bought some new covergirl foundation this past weekend and I got the color match all wrong because it’s way too orange when I need something that’s more of a pink. To counter that, I baked the shit out of my face this morning, which I’ve not done in close to a year (scroll to the end for a pic), and honestly it looks ok after color correction, but I’d rather have a proper match. Time to see if CVS will do an open return without a receipt.
I was so thrilled with my lip today (new color from Wet & Wild), and then got to work and was STARVING, leading me to promptly destroy it with a burrito.
Drug Diary Update: The Trintellix is a bust.
On Friday my psychiatrist doubled my dosage, since it seemed like it wasn’t doing anything at the lowest dose. My anxiety had returned after coming off the Lexapro and I’d been having some bad dysmorphia days where my body confidence was just shot to hell and I hated how I looked.
Well, the doub…
It’s moments like these when I glance in the mirror during my day to day and just love what I see that make everything so worthwhile.
Happy humpday, y’all. Day 3 curls holding up.
I was so scatterbrained yesterday. I realized on my way to work that I had forgotten to fill my pill planner when I refilled my Vyvanse prescription, so I had gone something like three days without any ADHD meds, and oh god do I ever need that now! I got almost no work done yesterday and could not think straight at all last night. Made sure to fill it up when I got home and today I’m back to mostly functional.
It’s wild how before I got on the drug I didn’t know how badly I needed it because it was just my normal. Now that I know what normal can actually feel like, being off it feels like chaos.
On that note, I definitely need a larger Trintellix dosage. Now that the Lexapro has worked it’s way out of my system, my anxiety and depression have returned in force, and it’s bad enough that I question if it’s working at all. I see my psychiatrist on Friday, so hopefully we can make a bump to it.
Got my dress for Disneyland yesterday. It a wh…
BIG DAMN CONTENT WARNING
THIS POST IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. It features graphic sexual descriptions, and if you find these things unpleasant to read than this post is probably best left alone.
The question above was posed to me today, and the answer is just too large for a twitter thread, so I figure I might as well write about it here. The following descriptions are based on my own experience and are not universal, different people experience sex drive differently.
I’m going to break libido down into three distinct elements:
Desire - Sexual Appetite
Compulsion towards sexual activity, incentive motivation.
Typically psychological or socially centered.
Arousal - Sexual Excitement
Physiological responses and changes in how stimulus is processed. Typically hormone driven.
Climax - Orgasm
Under conventional (re, cisgender) models of sexuality, men (people who run on androgens) experience desire first, w…
Doing my Transition Tuesday post a day early, because today marks 30 months since I took my first estrogen pill. Two and a half years. Fitting that today would also be a shot day, which replaced my pills four months later.
I’m really proud of the woman I am today. It’s taken a lot of work to get here, a lot of emotional labor on my part and from my amazing wife who I am thankful for every single day.
I can’t say the journey has been fun… oh sure, there’s been a lot of fun moments, but honestly there’s been a lot of really shitty moments too that I happily would have skipped over. Still tho, I’m thrilled to have been able to walk that path.
I’m a girl! The dream I wanted more than anything for my entire life has come to fruition. It makes every day more glorious than the last.