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curvy & trans

Just a plus size trans girl in a straight size cis world.

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Nov 28th, 2019 Film

This isn't the queer representation you're looking for

Ok, so let’s talk about this meme, cuz it’s gone around my feed several times and I need to get something off my chest. This isn’t the queer representation you’re looking for. If you aren’t aware, the three characters depicted are Entrapta from She-Ra, Evelyn Deavor from Incredibles 2, and Olivia Octavius (Doc Ock) from Inter the Spider-verse.

First of all, Entrapta isn’t a lesbian, she’s clearly meant to be asexual. I mean, it’s right there in her outfit, she’s the embodiment of the asexual pride flag colors. The other two, however, are definitely meant to be read as gay. Evelyn spends a good portion of The Incredible 2 hitting on Helen pretty aggressively (and in typical gay fashion, Helen is oblivious).

Olivia’s lesbian headcanon also comes from the way she says only her friends call her Liv, and then Aunt May later calls her Liv, establishing that the two of them previous had a relationship that clearly had animosity, and a…

Nov 23rd, 2019 Transgender

Secrets of the Heart

When I came out to my wife she was angry that I had hid from her that I was trans, she felt like I had deceived her through our relationship and marriage. I struggled to explain how this wasn’t a secret I could ever tell, it was too deep for that.

We have a tradition of me reading a chapter from a book every night before bed. Currently we are reading The Wise Man’s Fear, by Patrick Rothfuss, and when I read this part of the book I just paused and we both looked at each other meaningfully.

Teccam explains there are two types of secrets. There are secrets of the mouth and secrets of the heart.

Most secrets are secrets of the mouth. Gossip shared and small scandals whispered. There secrets long to be let loose upon the world. A secret of the mouth is like a stone in your boot. At first you’re barely aware of it. Then it grows irritating, then intolerable. Secrets of the mouth grow larger the longer you keep them, swelling until they press against >your lips. They fight to be let …

Nov 20th, 2019 Medical

Doctor Disappointment

What’s a girl gotta do to find doctors who know more about trans care than I do?

Today I had an appointment with a new endocrinologist that was recommended by my wife’s endocrinologist. I was hopeful, because the doc that recommended her is exceptionally talented but just isn’t qualified to do trans medicine. Sadly, in the first five minutes of the visit I could tell that this doctor’s protocols are over a decade out of date. She demonstrated multiple attitudes that revealed her to be of the old-school pre-WPATH mindset.

  • She doesn’t prescribe progesterone, asked why I was on it, wasn’t satisfied with my answer.
  • She was astonished by my breast development (not surprising given her stance on progesterone).
  • She wanted my blood E level lower than half my current level. That’s low even for cis women.
  • She claimed I was at high risk of blood clots (not true with injected E)
  • She tried to code my lab work using the deprecated “Trans-sexualism with heterosexual history” ICD code (I c…
Nov 18th, 2019 OOTD

That's a woman's shirt

Yesterday I made a quick trip to Walmart to grab some necessities and swung by the men’s department looking to get some big t-shirts I could alter. They used to carry this great Fruit of the Loom shirts that made great sleeping shirts, and once I’d cut the necks off them they were super comfortable.

Sadly, they don’t have them any more, but instead I found a rack of Wide Necked No Boundries t-shirts. At first I thought “well thats a weird neckline for a men’s shirt”, and I grabbed one to try when I got home.

This ain’t no men’s shirt… this is totally a women’s tunic, and it comes as high as a 4X. The material is a little thin, but not transparent, and at $8 a shirt I’m not complaining. I went back again later on and bought several more for me. When my wife saw how it wears she demanded I buy one for her in every color as well. They’re perfect utilitarian basic t-shirts for women.

I definitely recommend them, they’re super comfy. I have no idea why they’re selling what is clearly a…

Nov 15th, 2019 Disneyland

The Gayest Place on Earth

Wednesday we packed the kids and drove up to Anaheim for a day at Disneyland. If you saw my IG stories then most of these photos are probably repeats.

I found these two simply gorgeous dresses in New Orleans Square that they actually had all the way up to 4X, and had they been around $70 I would have bought one, but $130 was too much, even when we weren’t paying for the trip. The first was Hocus Pocus themed, with the Sanderson Sisters prominently featured on the skirt. The second was Pixar themed, with elements from early Pixar shorts.

This was our first visit to the new Star Wars park, and it was truly an amazing experience. From the moment you cross under the disney railroad bridge you enter into an alien world, but switch is so subtle that you don’t even notice it until you’re 20 feet in. The sounds, the smells, the shape of the terrain and vegetation, even the light posts gradually change into something not of this world. It’s astonishingly atmospheric. Then you enter the bazaar…

Nov 15th, 2019 Transgender

Stop Invalidating Crossdressers

Any time you see someone say that crossdressers are not trans, remind yourself that there are also members of the trans community who claim that people who aren’t medically transitioning aren’t transgender. There are people who claim that if you don’t pass as cis and don’t want to pass as cis, then you aren’t transgender. Gatekeeping is everywhere, and it’s all bullshit.

For so many of us, crossdressing was our gender gateway, it was our first exploration into subverting our birth assignment, and often our first taste of gender dysphoria. The cisgender patriarchy is a strong force, however, and it indoctrinates denial. We are trained to be afraid of transness, brainwashed to doubt our own validity and to hide our diversion from cisnormativity.

So we stop at crossdressing, we stall out at that place, flirting with the idea of something more but too scared to take it for ourselves. Some girls go through cycles of expression and purging, dumping everything because they’re just too full …

Nov 12th, 2019 Drug Diary

Trintellix is a bust

Hello Tuesday… back to the grind after a long weekend.

I bought some new covergirl foundation this past weekend and I got the color match all wrong because it’s way too orange when I need something that’s more of a pink. To counter that, I baked the shit out of my face this morning, which I’ve not done in close to a year (scroll to the end for a pic), and honestly it looks ok after color correction, but I’d rather have a proper match. Time to see if CVS will do an open return without a receipt.

I was so thrilled with my lip today (new color from Wet & Wild), and then got to work and was STARVING, leading me to promptly destroy it with a burrito.

Drug Diary Update: The Trintellix is a bust.

On Friday my psychiatrist doubled my dosage, since it seemed like it wasn’t doing anything at the lowest dose. My anxiety had returned after coming off the Lexapro and I’d been having some bad dysmorphia days where my body confidence was just shot to hell and I hated how I looked.

Well, the doub…

Nov 10th, 2019 Transgender

You're gonna love the way you look

It’s moments like these when I glance in the mirror during my day to day and just love what I see that make everything so worthwhile.

Nov 6th, 2019 OOTD

Scattered

Happy humpday, y’all. Day 3 curls holding up.

I was so scatterbrained yesterday. I realized on my way to work that I had forgotten to fill my pill planner when I refilled my Vyvanse prescription, so I had gone something like three days without any ADHD meds, and oh god do I ever need that now! I got almost no work done yesterday and could not think straight at all last night. Made sure to fill it up when I got home and today I’m back to mostly functional.

It’s wild how before I got on the drug I didn’t know how badly I needed it because it was just my normal. Now that I know what normal can actually feel like, being off it feels like chaos.

On that note, I definitely need a larger Trintellix dosage. Now that the Lexapro has worked it’s way out of my system, my anxiety and depression have returned in force, and it’s bad enough that I question if it’s working at all. I see my psychiatrist on Friday, so hopefully we can make a bump to it.

Got my dress for Disneyland yesterday. It a wh…

Nov 4th, 2019 Transition Timeline

30 Months

Doing my Transition Tuesday post a day early, because today marks 30 months since I took my first estrogen pill. Two and a half years. Fitting that today would also be a shot day, which replaced my pills four months later.

I’m really proud of the woman I am today. It’s taken a lot of work to get here, a lot of emotional labor on my part and from my amazing wife who I am thankful for every single day.

I can’t say the journey has been fun… oh sure, there’s been a lot of fun moments, but honestly there’s been a lot of really shitty moments too that I happily would have skipped over. Still tho, I’m thrilled to have been able to walk that path.

I’m a girl! The dream I wanted more than anything for my entire life has come to fruition. It makes every day more glorious than the last.

Oct 30th, 2019 OOTD

Halloween Horrors

Hello, my gender goblins, crooked queers and plus size pirates. October is at an end, and I see it off with the boldest of my Witchy Wednesday looks.

On Friday I dismantle my Halloween lights and start working on Christmas decor. Katharine wants to put up her tree this weekend, and I’ve already mounted two strings of Christmas lights on the front of the house which are just waiting to be plugged in. This year I should have enough lights to properly create my rainbow oasis in the front yard, and even have net lights to drape out on the lawn. It’s gonna take some time to put together, and I probably need to get more extension cords.

Kudos to my cat Leonardo for presenting himself as the perfect familiar.

Oct 28th, 2019 OOTD

A long week

Lord has it ever been a long ten days, I am so glad to be back into the swing of things again.

Our house is finally back into order after that long week of plague. Our entire family came down with norovirus, first my wife and son, then me, then my daughter, one day after another. It’s a very nasty strain, and I was completely waylaid for 48 hours. Our housecleaner came over Sunday and bleached every surface. I have washed so many loads of clothes, towels and bedding on Sanitary mode, and used our carpet cleaner in every bedroom… twice.

I think I finally found the right mousse for my hair. Last week while waiting for a prescription to get filled I was browsing CVS’ Salon Haircare aisle and came across a mousse with some pretty bold claims to boost volume, lift, moisture and plumpness, while still being CG friendly. Well so far… the bottle doesn’t lie. Each time I’ve used it I’ve gotten these thick and chunky curls that just look and feel amazing and I’m in love. Marc Anthony True Prof…

Oct 27th, 2019 Mental Health

Memory Exploration

CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal Ideation, childhood trauma.

Last week a tweet crossed my feed from a mom of a trans daughter, commenting on how her 7yo child had contemplated suicide multiple times. The story knocked loose a memory from my own childhood, around the same age (don’t know exactly when, but old enough to see above the kitchen counters). I was standing in the kitchen, facing the stove, with a steak knife in my right hand… wondering how hard it would be to stab myself in the chest with it.

We explored this memory in my session yesterday to see if anything came out of it. This was my first time using EMDR to try to see a buried memory, and it was different from previous trauma treatment. Usually EMDR means reliving an experience, letting the brain flow and wander as it replays, while processing the feelings that come forward. This memory wasn’t moving, it was a still-frame, a moment frozen in time; so it took a new approach.

I entered the memory in third-person, as I am to…

Oct 19th, 2019 ADHD
Distracted ADHD makes hydration hard

You go to get water and fifteen minutes later you close the now full dishwasher and you realize that you have completely failed at hydration.

Then you forget to start the dishwasher.

Oct 16th, 2019 Drug Diary

Bound by Fire

This weeks Witchy Wednesday: Fire Witch / Priestess of the Flame.

Drug Diary:
I’m seeing tiny signs that the Trintellix is starting to do its thing. I’ve had a sudden spike in executive function, busted out a whole ton of house cleaning this morning before I got ready for work, and I wasn’t even procrastinating! Accomplished a lot at the office as well, didn’t even get distracted enough to make this post until I got home.

This is supposed to be a thing the drug helps with, but it’s a wee bit early to be certain. Have yet to experience any side effects yet, either from going on to the Trintellix or from coming off the Lexapro.

In uglier news, I seem to have caught my daughter’s cold. My nose has been running all afternoon.

Oct 15th, 2019 Medical