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curvy & trans

Just a plus size trans girl in a straight size cis world.

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Feb 12th, 2020 Medical

Blindsided by your brain

A conversation with my therapist last weekend got me thinking about something. Growing up AMAB you only ever hear about two aspects of the menstrual cycle, the ones that are inconveniences to men: periods, and PMS.

No one ever talked about the other parts of the cycle, the ways that the other phases affect female mood. I heard a little bit about how body image tanks at the end of the luteal phase, but I never heard about how body confidence spikes just before that. I heard a tiny bit about the way libido rises during the follicular phase, but nothing about how it inverts after ovulation. I learned from my wife that there can be a surge in sex drive in the middle of the period.

But the thing I never heard anything about is the way it feels in the last week of the follicular phase and during the ovulatory phase. Behavioral studies on cisgender women have shown that this stage of the cycle them to react stronger to dominate and virile mates. It influences female social behaviors…

Feb 6th, 2020 Fat Liberation

Body Privilege

Let’s talk a little bit about privilege, in regards to fatness. If you’ve not been exposed to fat acceptance or the fat liberation movement, then some of this will seem very foreign and you may balk at it, but please keep an open mind. If you do not understand the concept of privilege, or think it’s all SJW garbage, I shall refer you to my own post on the topic

So what is Body Privilege? In short, it is the privileges received by those of smaller body size. The larger you are, the more institutional discrimination you receive for your weight, and the more difficult your life becomes. Since we culturally associate fatness with laziness, this discrimination is usually seen as acceptable and even positive, with people believing that if they shame fat people enough, they will be motivated to lose the weight. This is not, in fact, how it works. If it were that straightforward then there would be a lot fewer fat people in the world.

The larger you a…

Jan 26th, 2020 Transgender

The Gender Dysphoria Bible

Trans·gen·der - adjective Denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their sex assigned at birth.

Transgender people have existed as long as the human race itself, and many ancient cultures recognized more than just two genders within the human existence, but it has only been in the last 100 years that a scientific and medical understanding of trans people has become well documented, and with that a proper philosophical and psychological understanding of the transgender experience. Even the word “transgender” only dates back to 1965 when John Oliven proposed it as a more accurate alternative to David Cauldwell’s term, “transsexual”.

To be transgender is to have a gender identity which does not match the gender you were presumed to have based upon your genitals. This can mean a person born with a penis is actually a girl, that a person born with a vulva is actually a boy, or that a person with either genital configur…

Jan 24th, 2020 Weightloss

Endocrine Escape

I don’t know what magic happened in my bedroom today, but wow did these photos come out good.

Today I had an appointment with a new endocrinologist, but this time not for anything trans related. This was about my pre-diabetes.

CW: Weight loss and disordered eating.

Back in 2016 when I was at my highest weight ever I was categorically Type 2 diabetic; my A1C was 6.7, and anything above 6 is an instant diagnosis. However, my doctor either didn’t notice it, or he decided it wasn’t a big deal. He just kept pushing me to lose weight and never prescribed anything.

After I came out to Katharine I developed gastritis from the stress and ended up losing almost 40 pounds over three months. It was not a good time, I had to force myself to eat every day to keep from being malnourished. When my weight leveled off my A1C had dropped to 5.6, and over the next year got as low as 5.4, taking me well outside of the risk zone.

Well now it’s back up again, my last test came back 5.7, which puts me ba…

Jan 10th, 2020 Feminism
Samwitch, Human Rogue, Chaotic Good @Samwitch11
A trans woman shares an experience online; a brush with misogyny, a scary scenario with a man, or maybe physical discomfort due to being on estrogen. Very often I see the comment "Welcome to being a woman!" show up as a response.

Does this feel patronizing to anyone else?

✨Erica Goodwitch✨ @tistheGoodwitch
@Samwitch11 I promise you, cis women definitely say it to other, younger, cis women. And it’s SUPER patronizing.
Unwelcomed to Womanhood The phrase "Welcome to Womanhood" is always patronizing, even towards cis women.

This thread was a journey. Initially I started capturing this on the base message, but then I saw the replies and it took a whole new depth.

Women, stop doing this to your sisters and your daughters, be they cis or trans! Take it from a girl who had to fight for it, womanhood is a blessing!

Yes, misogyny and patriarchy sucks, but that burden is a product of forces outside of womanhood itself. Lay the blame where it is due. That discrimination is not worthy of normalization. When you come down with the flu, you don’t say “welcome to humanity.” Treat that garbage for the plague it is.

Yes, periods suck, mood swings suck, cramps brutally suck, bleeding out every month FUCKING SUCKS, but it is also a gift of life (infertility conditions aside). A gift that many of your trans sisters would happily endure for the miracle it allows. Your daughters don’t have to cherish it, but they shouldn’t be told it’s a curse either. Hearing other women be so negative about this aspect …

Jan 8th, 2020 Transition Timeline

Hatching Day 3

Today is my hatching day.

Three years ago my wife told me I needed to seek out a therapist and figure out wtf was causing my depression and anxiety. That night I laid awake in bed, unable to sleep, wrestling with a demon in my own head.

I got out of bed and went to my computer, and I googled a term that I had learned 20 years prior out of a college psychology textbook.

Autogynephilia. A word deeply reviled by many trans women. A word that has invalidated so many of us. A word coined by a man who has singlehandedly done more harm to trans people in the last fourty years than any other person.

What I discovered was that the things I had read in that textbook were wrong. Massively wrong. So wrong that the vast majority of modern psychology has completely thrown it out. I learned that what I had been treating as a paraphilia for my entire life was actually Gender Dysphoria.

Twenty five years after first learning that it was possible for a boy to become a girl, and desperately wishing …

Dec 30th, 2019 Transition Timeline

Decade Done

I entered this decade a boy, but I exit it a woman.

At the start of 2010 I was barely married 3 months. We were living in a mobile home my mother had paid for, I was working for a company that did not appreciate my worth, and parenthood was barely a glimmer in our eyes. I was hopelessly addicted to World of Warcraft (WotLK has just come out), and just starting to feel the onset of the dysphoria that my relationship with Kat had forestalled.

Today I am 3 months past my tenth wedding anniversary without an end in sight. We own our second house, I make more than twice what I did then, working for a company that values me immensely. I barely even play video games these days at all, because I am far too busy being co-mom to my two darling children, and my dysphoria (tho not fully quenched) is well reduced. This isn’t even my final form!

Ten years is a long time. It’s nearly a quarter of my life. What a wild and crazy decade it’s been.

Happy New Year, Everyone. May your 2020s be fruitful…

Dec 27th, 2019 Recap

2019, Year in Review

As we approach the end of the year, I feel like doing a recap of my favorite photos from 2019. Some of these never made it to social media.

Where 2018 was a year of coming into myself as a woman and learning to love my body, 2019 was a year of personal growth and learning to express myself. With the success of my Instagram account, I felt driven to push myself stylistically and creatively to really make use of my wardrobe in new and creative ways.

At the same time, this year I finally felt comfortable enough in my transition that I was able to ease off of my performativity and start dressing more casually. I no longer felt like I had to wear makeup every time I left the house in order to be gendered correctly. When I did wear makeup, I didn’t need as much of it to be happy with how I looked. After two years of never wearing unisex t-shirts, I discovered that not only did they no longer make me feel dysphoric, t…

Dec 7th, 2019 Mental Health

Macro Centering

It was raining all through my therapy session this morning, and when I stepped outside afterwards I saw the drops clinging to the plants around the pond and felt compelled to do some macro photography to calm my mind.

We started a memory from my childhood that immediately jumped to the fight I had with my boss earlier this year. The two events are very closely connected in my memory, even tho there is 25 years between them, and this session explained why that fight hit me so hard. His anger triggered old trauma.

Trauma which may itself go back even further to my dad. It’s hard to say because most of those memories of my father are still locked up tight, but there were definitely echoes of him in the memory.

EMDR can be such a trip.