Found myself in a dancing mood this morning.
My insurance finally came through and approved my Trintellix prescription this past weekend, and I started migrating to it last night. I am so hopeful for this drug, I’m gonna be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.
It’s Santa Ana season in San Diego right now, and my hair is in rebellion. Even after co-washing, overtone and conditioning, it still just did not have the right feel to it this morning, so I didn’t even try to use any product on it. Just gonna let it rest for a bit. Thinking I’ll pick up a hair mask soon to try to rejuvenate it.
I wanted to write this morning about something that’s been hitting me lately, with regards to my transition.
CW: Genital Dysphoria.
Something pretty remarkable has been happening lately. I keep forgetting that I’m AMAB. Little moments here and there, brief windows where my current context allows me to forget my past, forget how I grew up and what my body used to look like. I become just another girl, wholly and completely. It’s my brain letting go of the things I was required to believe about myself, adjusting to my real life and real gender. Memories are rewriting themselves with me as a woman, experiences that don’t fit into my truth are losing attachment.
It’s a truly amazing thing to watch from an observer view into my own mind, and I’m loving. Sometimes, however, it causes problems. My brain is forgetting that I am still pre-op.
Last night while using the bathroom I went to wipe a vulva I don’t have, and the dissonance that happened when my hands bumped into the reality down there let my brain reeling. I got hit with the strongest sensation of genital revulsion I’ve ever experienced, and it was like being stabbed in the chest.
I don’t know how to handle the dissonance between what my brain is expecting, and what is actually there. I still have years before I’ll be able to pursue GRS, and this just keeps getting worse. I’d love to hear feedback on how others with this kind of dysphoria handled it.