Look upon mine field and behold, for there be no fucks to dispense.

Ok, not really true, I had a lot of fucks to give, apparently, and gave them I did. The last 12 days have been filled with a lot of emotion and self exploration while trying to wrap my head fully around everything that happened and just what it means.

The general response from my employer has been one of “well, that’s just how he is.” There will be no repercussions for my boss’ behavior, and not even an apology. As far as he’s concerned, he is the victim. He apparently went on for some time after I left that day, about how upset he was by the things I said. My co-worker commented that she was actually shocked at how textbook of an example it was of a white man defending his own privilege.

And for me this has been a lesson on my own “male” privilege, or rather its evaporation. I expected this to happen eventually, I just didn’t think it would be like this. I am now a threat to his superiority, not as my employer, but simply as a man. In the last 6 months I’ve seen a stark increase in the amount of dismissal and over-talk that I’ve gotten from him; times where I would tell him something about my life, and he would then proceed to explain to me why I was wrong.

All these micro-aggressions that eventually led up to one big explosion of transmisogynistic bigotry. Where once I had the credibility with him to be able to sway his views and point out his biases, now I am just another nagging woman telling him that he’s wrong. All I can do is keep my head down, avoid sensitive topics, and weather it like so many other women in the workplace. My co-worker said it made her ponder just how much abuse she absorbs without even thinking about it. “Welcome to Womanhood!” Most trans women have a strong distaste for this statement, because it has an inherent condescending dismissal of the systemic forces that we’ve already internalized well before we ever came out. In this case, though… this club doesn’t open its doors until your privilege is spent, and I just got handed my card.

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