I little rainy day Sunday blue.
Guess who finally has started taking an antidepressant. I had my psychiatrist appointment this week and my ADHD meds are pretty well locked down, so she’s like “Well, we gotta talk about something, anything on your mind?”
“Well, since you asked… what are the diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder?”
Up until a few years ago I had always believed depression and anxiety was something that happened to other people. I remember joking to myself about how all my friends were on SSRIs and how weird it was that I had nothing wrong with me (HAH!). Then my shell cracked and I became aware of my gender dysphoria, and suddenly it was obvious how much depression I had been silently fighting for decades. But that was easily addressed through transition… right?
At first, yes. The sheer euphoria of transition completely suppressed every bit of my day to day depression. As each new change came and my body became more and more my own, I continued to get bursts of joy and euphoria that kept me thrilled and cheerful. But now life is settling into normal paces; as my psych put it, the honeymoon is over. While my general state of happiness is significantly improved, there’s still more that needs to be addressed. My GD was the biggest monster in the room, and now the smaller beasts have come out to play.
I didn’t really know what anxiety actually felt like until about a year into my transition. I had never had the language to describe it before and I didn’t even know how much of my behavior was sourcing from it. It wasn’t until I saw a list of common symptoms of anxiety that I realized “oh shit, I’ve been like this my whole life.”
The last few months have seen an increase in depressive episodes and angry outbursts, much like I had before I transitioned. Loud noises are especially triggering, and my son’s crying sends me into a tailspin all the time. One such episode sent me into a crying fit because I was so horrified by my own behavior. I cannot go back to being like that again, I can’t.
So now I’m on a low dose of Lexapro, a mild SSRI. Here’s hoping it helps to calm this angry beast.Discuss this post on Instagram