Stages of Transfem transition:
- I wish I was a woman.
- I think I’m a woman?
- I know I’m a woman.
- I believe that I’m a woman!
- I feel like a woman!
I think I finally hit stage 5 in the last few months. Internal doubts I didn’t know I still had have been silenced.
I don’t feel scared of women’s bathrooms any more. I worry about my voice causing a false impression, but I don’t feel like I’m going to “get caught” any more.
I’ve started to take it for granted that people will see me as female, even on days when my dysmorphia is bad.
I think this is why my bisexuality has become so large and in-charge in the last quarter. There is no part of me that thinks of myself as male any more, and that has freed me from internalized androphiliaphobia.
I’m free from all the brainwashing of my youth.
@TwippingVanilla Interesting that believe comes after know for you. For me, knowledge is more confident than belief. I feel like I've recently moved from believing I'm a woman (possible) to knowing it (certain). Can you explain your distinction?
@tangopianista Know = Thought
Believe = Emotion
You can cognitively know something without believing it emotionally, because emotion happens below cognition, and happens faster than thought. My therapist hammers this home over and over again.
@tangopianista Emotional reaction happens instinctively, based on your core values and principles, which build over time and are not easilly wavered.
For example, my mother knows I am a woman, because my word and all the evidence in front of her says I am a woman. But she doesn’t believe it.
@tangopianista Belief also plays a huge part in why people who you have been out to for a long time will still misgender you.
@TwippingVanilla I see! Yes, I often make that distinction too: I will intellectually know something and yet feel differently. Usually having to do with emotional insecurities.
@TwippingVanilla In this case, my "knowledge" includes an intuitive and integrated body knowledge. For me that is more of a certain and complete knowledge than belief, which to me implies uncertainty. I see knowledge as a subset of belief.
These words are hard to nail down sometimes!
@tangopianista The thing that led me to write it like this was from my experiences in EMDR. The goal is always to replace a negative cognition about yourself caused by the memory with a positive one. At the end of processing a memory she asks me to rank 1-7 how well I believe the positive cog.
@tangopianista And I will sit there and logically know that the cognition is true, that the meaning of the memory is what we say it is, but deep down I cannot accept it because I don’t believe it. So then we go back into EMDR to retrain my subconcious.
@tangopianista EMDR is pretty neat shit, it’s like a shortcut around all the brain’s self defense barriers.