hot take: moms need to learn how to listen to and comfort their daughters without making everything about their own traumas


a classic example

daughter: hey this thing you do bothers me very much and i wish you wouldn’t do it

mom: well my parents abused me and im not even as bad as they were and i had to sit through it so you gotta sit through whatever i do to you too

I shared this tumblr post in my stories, mentioning the way my own mother gaslights me on my mental health issues because she has the same problems and never got treatment for them. I’ve already gotten so many responses from people about how their moms do the exact same thing. I’ve heard it from friends and coworkers as well. It is so common that I am starting ti think it is actually more rare for a mom to NOT be like this.

I’m wondering if it was generational. My mom was technically GenX, but she was right on the forward edge and has a lot of Baby Boomer ideologies.

OP makes the statement (below) that mothers need to learn how to be mothers before having kids. The problem is that nobody fucking teaches that shit! With the push towards nuclear families and suburbia in the 50s and 60s, mothers were suddenly thrust into lives of independence. For more than fifty years, motherhood has been a role of isolation and emotional labor. Our moms didn’t even have the internet, all they had were themselves, their local friends, and fucking Dr. Spock. Their husbands sure weren’t helping any.

I hope to hell that Kat and I don’t turn out the same as our moms are. I’m trying so hard to break the cycle, yet I keep catching myself perpetuating it, as well. I keep reminding myself how important it is to let me children be themselves and to stop projecting my own desires on to them, but I cannot predict what kind of people we will be ten, twenty years from now.

Original caption:

Mothers need to learn how to mother before having children. Heal & grow before having kids so u dont push ur trauma on to them. When I call out my mom for shit like this she uses the excuse “I didnt know how to mother yet.” I’m not the oldest child, I have an older brother who didnt have to experience this/still doesnt have to while the burden is still on me (I’m the only girl w 4 brothers) Recognize that ur raising a child REGARDLESS of their sex, not a caregiver